arguably my weirdest list to date

Behold! I have had a thought

Hi!

Hello! Hope you’re well. I’m back at work (boo) and slept appallingly last night, for no apparent reason (booo). It’s fine, I’ll live.

My cranky morning has so far been made better by finally reading I’ve Had a Rough Year, Dad, a beautiful and tender and thoughtful essay on grief and love and the Royal Tenenbaums. I’d had it in my tabs for, if I were to guess, around one thousand years, and I’m glad I finally got to it. I am hereby recommending it to you.

Elsewhere, I went quite mad with boredom during the merryneum and so I wrote something unhinged, for this newsletter, which you’re about to read. Sorry in advance, I guess? Also, if you’re American: please don’t get too mad at me. I am, as ever, only joking.

A column

What is the context for this? That’s a hard one to explain. I’m not sure I fully remember anymore. I think someone posted something on Bluesky along the lines of “wouldn’t it be funny if we disbanded the United States and gave all the states to different countries”, and I decided to really, Really run with it.

Is it funny? Hopefully. Did it take me way longer than I thought it would? Absolutely. Did I lose my mind halfway through because I decided to write all of it in one go? Correct. Will you enjoy it? Let’s find out!

Alabama

We’re giving it to Iran. Mashallah, we now have an Islamic Republic of Alabama. Also as a side note: I have a map of US states open in another tab and I’d not realised that Alabama had beaches. Feels wrong, somehow. Quite haram. Iran will sort that.

Alaska

I think Alaska belongs to Algeria. I’m not sure I could tell you why. Feel like they’ve got experience dealing with deserts so we can make them the Snow Arabs. They’ll figure it out.

Arizona

Seems pretty clear to me that the Croats should run Arizona. I think that absolutely everyone involved would hate it but that would be very entertaining, to me. I want to see Croats in the desert, making the locals trying to figure out how to make strong cactus liqueurs.

Arkansas

Yeah that’s going to be Hungary. Again, no animosity towards either place but they would have such a bad time and it would be enjoyable to watch, for the rest of us. I would love to see the Magyar empire deal with whatever’s going on in Arkansas. Oh you guys miss controlling other people? Well there you go. Be careful what you wish for. You have Arkansas now.

California

Unexpectedly tough one, this! Who deserves California? I think the Uzbeks do. I reckon it’d be very funny to turn up in Uzbekistan and say “well there you go, lads, you’ve got California now”. Do Uzbeks like avocados and weed? Let’s hope that they do!

Colorado

Chile! That’s an easy one. Chile has too much coast and Colorado doesn’t have enough. Together, they can cancel each other out. Next.

Connecticut

Tanzania should get Connecticut. I’m not sure why, but it feels right. I feel it in my bones.

Delaware

Malaysia! We should have a Malay Delaware. I think it would be nice. I think it would be fun.

Florida

Fuck that’s a big one. I spent some time thinking about this and feel pretty strongly that Florida should be Finnish. It’s really not easy to guess who would hate it more - the Finns, having to hang out in Miami, or Floridians, being taught about the wonders of the ascetic smoked fish and sauna life – but I reckon they’d all be pretty miserable. Or maybe we’d be creating a monster - some heavily tanned, brash people who also don’t talk very much somehow. Maybe Finnish Florida would come to rule us all.

Georgia

Absolutely Japan. I want to see the Japanese come in and sort out whatever’s going on in Atlanta. I want them to build bullet trains across the state. I want Georgians to be made to eat natto for breakfast. I think it would go incredibly badly. I want to see it.

Hawaii

Unexpectedly tough one, this. I think New Zealand? I’m not sure why? I feel like that’d work. I want to be nice to Hawaii. I reckon the Kiwis would treat them well.

Idaho

So as a side note I will say that Idaho just isn’t where I thought it was, geographically speaking. Always imagined it to be within tickling distance of Wisconsin. Vibes wise, it shouldn’t be that far west. Still, in any case: it’s Ghanaian now. They’re going to love jollof rice, up in Idaho. It may kill some of them, but the rest will love it. Big up Ghanaian Idaho.

Illinois

Again, side note: Illinois is massive! In my head it was one of those dinky little states. I’m sorry Illinois, turns out you were a big boy all along. I think you should be Turkish. I don’t know what they’ll do with you but I assume it will be interesting.

Indiana

Who should we put next to Turkey? Great question! I think it’s Turkmenistan. I see no problem with this. No problem will arise from these two countries being next to each other. It will be fine. It will be so fine. Nothing bad will happen, with Turkey and Turkmenistan next to each other.

Iowa

Nepal? Again this is a vibes-based judgement but I’d like to see Iowans be ruled by the Nepalese. I’d be curious to see what comes out of that. I reckon it has the potential of being some state-wide buddy comedy. I want to believe they’d get along.

Kansas

South Korea. Fuck it we ball. I’ve nothing else to add.

Kentucky

You know I’m not convinced that the people of Kentucky would love it, if they were ruled by Ethiopia, but maybe that’s precisely why they need to be ruled by Ethiopia. They may learn something, live a little.

Louisiana

I’m giving Louisiana to Russia. I don’t think anyone involved would have a good time but I really, really, really want to hear what a Cajun Russian accent sounds like. I’m a simple woman. I yearn for simple things.

Maine

Oh I don’t know, man. You can’t expect me to know things about every US state. What? “Hmm but I thought this list was your idea, you’ve only got yourself to blame”? Shut up. Shut up. Maine belongs to Nicaragua now. For reasons I have definitely figured out but am just not telling you about.

Maryland

I think Libya can have a little east coast state, as a treat. They’ve been through a lot.

Massachusetts

Massachusetts is obviously Brazilian, to me. I don’t know that Brazilians would know what to do with it straight away, but I reckon they would figure it out. I think Brazil could do beautiful things, with Massachusetts.

Michigan

Feel like Michigan’s kind of busy doing its own thing over there in the corner, not really sharing many borders with other states, so I feel like it could go to Madagascar, as that’s another country just vibing in its own little spot. What could possibly go wrong.

Minnesota

Listen, I think it’d take a while for the Philippines to get used to whatever weather goes on all the way up in Minnesota, but that’s the beauty of the experiment. We’re bringing people together. We’re showing them different ways of living. We’re building bridges. Also: it would be very funny. Thank you.

Mississippi

Just so you know I thought “Belarus” and immediately burst out laughing, alone in my room. I don’t really think I need to explain myself further. I would simply love to spend a week of my life in Belarussian Mississippi. The experiment would obviously go horribly wrong but I find it impossible to predict the ways in which it would go wrong. I want and indeed need to see it. Gimme it.

Missouri

How much do I know about Missouri? Well christ, how much do I know about love, about life and about death? Do any of us ever really know anything? Can we even truly say we know ourselves? I’m going to spin my big wheel and say Missouri should be Peruvian. For reasons that are very clever but also secret.

Montana

Oh motherfucker “Montana” is just mountain in Spanish isn’t it? Somehow I’d never made the connection. That’s very embarrassing. I’m mortified. Also I’m giving Montana to Bangladesh, in the spirit of: why not give Montana to Bangladesh.

Nebraska

Wouldn’t it be funny, if Italy got Nebraska? They’d be so mad about it. Nebraska is not what they want at all. They’d be soooo cross. Teeheeeheeeeeee. We’re giving Italians Nebraska. They can tell nonna about it.

Nevada

In the spirit of settling European grudges, I’d like to take this moment to offer Nevada to the Swedes. No, really, you guys can have it. Yeah you’ll love the big desert, you’ll see. No you can’t have another state. Nevada is Sweden now. What’s that? You’re going to be like the Atreides arriving on Arrakis? Sure, yeah. That feels like a you problem.

New Hampshire

I think Mali should get New Hampshire. I’ve not figured out a reason why that’s the case. Crucially, it’s my list so I don’t need to. Malian New Hampshire it is.

New Jersey

New Jersey, to me, is obviously Bolivian. I want to see cholitas in Hoboken. I want people, in the streets of La Paz, getting really into Bon Jovi. You may say it’s a cultural marriage that doesn’t work but I disagree. Well, obviously I agree, I have eyes and a brain, but I think they’d make it work.

New Mexico

Mongolia. For mystery reasons.

New York

Gosh this is not an easy one. Who’s getting New York City, the crown jewel of America? I reckon Nigeria. It is possible that we would be making Nigerians - an already powerful people - too powerful, but I’d like to see what they’d do with it. It’s Lagos no2, baby, keep your seatbelt fastened.

North Carolina

Oh man I’ve been to North Carolina before and I can’t say it was the most thrilling place I ever visited. It wasn’t bad! But it wasn’t especially exciting either. Vibes were quite hard to pin down as well. I think we give it to Guyana. They could make it more fun. I believe in them.

North Dakota

Australia, for some reason? This makes sense to me. I don’t believe their respective peoples would gel particularly well but I’d enjoy seeing them try.

Ohio

Arise, the People’s Republic of Ohio. Xi Jinping, may your rule over Ohio be kind but tough; firm but caring. The people of Ohio have long been waiting for the workers to rise up and lo, it has come to pass.

Oklahoma

Romania. Romania deserves Oklahoma. Again - yes, this is a common theme - I’m dying to know what would happen there. Would anything good come out of it? I’m not certain it would, but we do not conduct scientific experiments to make good things happen. We merely step back and observe.

Oregon

Oh fucking hell there are a lot of US states, aren’t there. I don’t know what to tell you, Oregon. Would you like to be Pakistani? Not particularly? Well that’s tough for you. You’re Pakistani now.

Pennsylvania

I think the motherland, Morocco, could do a decent job of sorting out whatever’s going on in Pennsylvania. We’ve got good vibes, we’re a warm people, we have many opinions. We could smooth the edges of Pennsylvania a bit. Sure, we’d hate the weather, but we’d still do it. We’re kind like that.

Rhode Island

I think, personally, that it would be funny for Cuba to get a tiny little state up in the north east. That is my entire reasoning for this pairing.

South Carolina

It’s got to be North Korea, right? Someone had to be North Korean, and I don’t see why this would be any worse than another state. Welcome to the world, the Democratic People’s Republic of South Carolina. Not convinced Charleston would remain a hen do destination for very long after that, but they’ll adapt. It’ll be okay. Well it probably won’t be okay, but you know. It’s happening.

South Dakota

You know what? I’m starting to regret doing this. It may have been obvious to other people that this was always going to be a surprising amount of work but it wasn’t obvious to me, because I am a little clown merrily driving around in my little clown car, and now I’m seeing it and wondering why I’m doing it to myself. South Dakota, by the way, is Czech. No-one would be happy about it but sometimes that’s the way it goes. You can’t always get what you want.

Tennessee

Narendra Modi would not be happy at all with getting Tennessee but unfortunately for him I’m the one in charge of this programme, so he won’t be able to say anything about it. I would like to see Nashville or maybe Memphis become another nerve centre for Bollywood and my decision is final. I would like to see country music be used by Indian dancers. I think it would make the world a better place.

Texas

Oh man Britain would hate having Texas so much. Wouldn’t know what to do with it. People on both sides couldn’t understand each other at all. Imagine a deep Texan trying to converse with a born and bred Glaswegian who’s never lived anywhere else. Doesn’t that please you? Doesn’t that put a smile on your face? There are so many ways in which these two places would make each other miserable. I would like to witness them all.

Utah

Similar to the entry a few states above: the phrase “Greek Utah” appeared in my head, fully formed, and it made me laugh out loud. Sometimes it’s good to make yourself laugh. I don’t think the Greeks or the Utahns would find it funny at all, not even a little bit, but sometimes that’s the way it goes. Sometimes you’re the audience and sometimes you’re the buffoon stepping on the banana skin.

Vermont

Oh god I thought I was close to the end and in some ways I am but in others I’m really not. Botswana you’re getting Vermont. No, no, really, you’re welcome. You’re very welcome. You’re so welcome. No, come back here Botswana, what did I just say.

Virginia

Lads, I’m really running out of steam here. What if Virgina was Colombian? Why not, really? That works, doesn’t it? There you go. Case closed. Let’s move on.

Washington

I think Thailand should get the fine state of Washington. I’ve not really decided why but that’s fine, because you can’t force me to explain myself. All hail Thai Washington. Thaishington? I’ll keep working on that. I’ll get back to you.

West Virginia

Alright, hear me out: Belgium. I reckon it’d be hysterical if Belgium had West Virginia. They just wouldn’t know what to do with it. West Virginians would be so confused by the very concept of Belgians. It’d be a riot. Well, for us, not for them necessarily, but a riot nonetheless.

Wisconsin

Why not Mexico, I hear you ask? Well indeed. Why not simply hand Wisconsin to Mexico. I’d love to see what they’d do with the food up there. I do think someone needs to go up and tell them how to lead better lives, and the Mexicans could maybe be good at that.

Wyoming

Hahaha France, did you think you’d get a big fancy state? Did you think that French people deserved to get one of the sexier bits of the US? Well suck on that, Macron. Try to figure out what to get out of Wyoming. There’s a big rectangle up there and it’s yours now. No, you can’t return it. Yes, they hate you. Have fun babes!