do NOT put in the newspaper that I'm a pervert

Behold! I have had a thought.

Hi!

[editor’s warning: what follows is mad. it’s sort of fitting in a way as it’s kind of about insomnia and what that does to your thoughts, and anyway yeah I wrote it after Some Nights of sleeping poorly and you know what: in retrospect you can tell. you can tell all was not well up there. still, I think it’s a funny piece, and also if you’d ever wondered what happens to the human brain if it basically stops resting: that’s what happens to it.]

Hello! So my brother is starting a new job soon and his new company has asked him to send answers to a series of jaunty questions, so he can introduce himself to his new colleagues, because apparently that's what happens when you work in tech. He's thrilled, obviously. One of the things he has to think about is the superpower he wishes he could have, which naturally led to us discussing it and, in turn, to him calling me a pervert.

You see, my ideal superpower has, for as long as I can remember, been invisibility. I would simply love to be able to become invisible on demand. Whenever I explain this to people, they tell me it's a pervert superpower, and I am, consequently, a pervert. Now I would argue that there are some things about me that definitely lean towards the perverted, but my superpower of choice isn't one of them. There is nothing inherently sweaty or thigh-rubby about wanting to go about your business unseen.

My argument, for what it's worth, is that I have chronic insomnia and that means I spend hours and hours every week, alone, lying in the dark, thinking about whatever. I do usually make an effort to try and have useful thoughts at the start but, after a while, you do need to come up with fresh material. As superpowers go, invisibility is, in my opinion, the one able to lead to the highest number of thoughts.

"What if I were super strong" isn't especially intellectually interesting. "Wow, what if I could fly" is fine - it's a classic! - but once you've decided what position you'd fly in and how quickly you'd need to be able to fly at to make it worth it, then you're basically done thinking about it. Teleportation is quite similar: it's a popular choice, of course, but it just doesn't have that many ramifications.

Sometimes I do like to think about what would happen if I suddenly appeared, say, slap bang in the middle of Buckingham Palace, but that's pretty one note. "I reckon people would look baffled, then I'd have to either run very quickly or teleport again immediately" is, in general, the most likely conclusion.

There are some other, lesser powers which can invite you to ponder various possibilities for a while, such as "being able to speak to animals", or "being able to just chill in the sea without being affected by either the water, the cold or the pressure", but that's more of a pleasant day dream. Well, night dream, but you get the gist. It's something you think about as you broadly relax, because it'd just be nice to chat away with a puma, or get to poke a sunfish in the face.

No, invisibility is where things get truly interesting. I will prove this to you now, by listing a selection of the scenarios I've considered, usually at circa 1am. You will see that I'm not a pervert. "Woah, check Marie out!", you'll say by the end. "Few people have ever been less perverted than her". Crucially, you will be right. Few people have ever been less perverted than me. I'm so normal. Maybe the most normal a person can be. You will be so convinced, by the time you've finished reading this list. Reassured, even.

Before we start, though, I should make a few things clear. You may, at this stage, be asking yourself the first question anyone thinking about invisibility may ask, namely: but can people still touch me when I'm see-through? This is something I've spent some time pondering and, for the sake of this particular exercise, I've decided that no, people can't do that. In fact, no living organism can touch me while I'm invisible. How does this affect the microorganisms that live on, under and around my skin? Do they fall off me or just stay on as parts of me? I'm not sure. I'm aware it's a problem but I've not been able to satisfactorily solve it yet. Also, we can't see the fuckers anyway, so it doesn't feel like a priority.

Similarly, my clothes do turn invisible alongside my body, because needing to be naked not to be seen would be pervert territory. I think we can all agree on that. No perverts here, thank you so much. These are my parameters: there is no other power I have on top of this. I cannot, in this context, do things like walk through walls or doors, because that would just open up too many possibilities, and that tends to be when intellectual exercises go to die.

I can make people and other living organisms not see me, or touch me, but I have to be careful with sound, as, if I sneezed, for example, they could hear me. I think that's nice. It adds a little bit of jeopardy to my endeavour. What would I do, in this scenario? Well christ, I thought you'd never ask. Here's a list.

# So there is one pervert-adjacent one and I thought I should start with it, to get it over with. Yes, if I could be invisible, I would like to visit the set of a porn shoot. Are you happy now? I'm freely admitting it. There. What I would add, though, is that the shagging bit of it doesn't really interest me. What I'm incredibly curious about is - well, everything else. What's the small talk like beforehand? Afterwards? What do artistic directions sound like, in this context? How does a director project his vision onto the performers? It just feels like an anthropologically fascinating space to be in, but not one I would necessarily visit if I could be perceived by anyone there.

# My number one item on the Invisibility List, for a long time, was Bashar Al-Assad's palace in Syria. I was just fascinated by whatever was going on there. My guy was an ophthalmologist in London one day and an Arab dictator the next. What does that do to a person? What did the government look like, feel like? I just couldn't picture it, and so I wanted to see it for myself. Did he feel like a dictator, day to day? How Europeanised was his lifestyle still? I had so many questions, which could have been solved by going to hang out with him for a while, without his knowledge. Ah well, too late now.

# Look, I'm quite worried about Britney Spears. I think I speak for all millennial women when I say that it's an oddly personal concern, like she's our collective sister's mad best mate. I'd like to check in on her. I'm not convinced she'd like it if I, a stranger, did that, so I would have to do it without her noticing. I just want to know if she's okay.

# As readers of this newsletter will know I'm mostly done with politics now, for reasons I shan't get into again here, because I went long on them only last month. The one thing I think I'd enjoy, however, is to sit on the despatch box during Prime Minister's Questions. I want to watch the PM and the leader of the opposition argue while I'm calmly sitting between them. Do you not think that would be fun? Could be sipping on a nice little drink. Maybe even eat a little snack, since PMQs is at lunchtime. Just sitting there, watching them snipe at each other.

# Working from home is boring and working from a cafe is expensive and you don't always get a table so let me introduce you to: WFZE. Working from a zoo enclosure. Could change every day! One afternoon you're chilling with the polar bears! Another you're hanging out with the monkeys! Could even stay after hours if you're on deadline, so it's nice and quiet and there are no visitors there. I would simply have a lovely time working from the zoo, in an invisible fashion. I'd follow all the zoo animal gossip, get some foes and some favourites. They would never know. It'd be great.

# Speaking of places I'm not allowed in: how about that mountain in Greece that doesn't allow women? Mount Athos, I believe it's called. Fucking sucks to be banned from a mountain. Let me go to the forbidden mountain. I don't even care about mountains normally but obviously I want to go to that one. For a while a few years ago I wondered if I could maybe start a very high-wire drag king act, for the specific purpose of entering the monastery, but ultimately it just felt like too much effort. I just want to snoop on the Greek mount lads and see what they're up to, without having to wear a fake moustache.

# Do you know who's probably really miserable right now? Boris Johnson. No-one cares about him. He does his shitty little gigs just to afford the lifestyle he's decided he deserves. They all sound boring and undignified. He's raising three young children, and he probably has to at least pretend to care for/about his one thousand other kids. He's no-one. He's fucked it completely. How broken a man is he as a result? Boy, oh boy, do I wish I could find out for myself!

# Obviously you can't really predict where or when you'll end up having some Big Thoughts About Life, but I've long suspected that the Svalbard Global Seed Vault would be conducive to having some BTAL. It's deep inside the permafrost and it contains seeds that represent over 10,000 years of agriculture; over 10,000 years of human history. It exists because something awful may happen at some point, but it would allow us to rebuild, and feed ourselves again from scratch. It's beautiful and haunting. I'd like to walk around and maybe lie on the ground for a while and take it all in, but for some reason Norway won't let me, so here we are.

# Coming back to Assad: I would love it if I could see his weird boring life in Moscow. What a mental situation to find yourself in, entirely due to your own actions. What does Asma al-Assad get up to on a daily basis? Do they go to some harrowing dinner parties with other wrong'uns who've washed up in Russia? I would love to witness their bleak absurd lives. I reckon it'd cheer me up. I just can't picture it at all.

# Night at the museum, obviously. I'm not even sure I need to spell it out. Would ideally need a big museum that has some comfortable couches, as I'm over 30 and I'm just not going to pull an all-nighter alone, but chilling with some Schieles by myself? With some Toulouse-Lautrecs? Ideal, ideal. Would also bring some vv slippery socks because I reckon that some places like the Met or maybe the Orsay have great "slipping all the way down the corridor" potential. Is slipping down a corridor in socks how I once broke a toe? Absolutely. Did I learn anything from it? Yes: that it was worth it.

# Something that semi-frequently bums me out is that I probably won't ever get to truly enjoy Lagos. I'd love to go there and obviously it's possible to be a tourist in Lagos but it does seem to be one of those cities where you have to be driven to most places, and you need to have someone with you at all times, and I don't really want that. When I go on holiday somewhere I like to leave in the morning and see where the wind takes me, and my understanding is that, safety-wise, that is not something I could do in Lagos. What a bummer! Why not simply let a girl have a good time. As a result, I would simply go there, invisibly, and gently weep as I eat suya that's too spicy for me. It'd be better than nothing.

# So something I come back to a lot is the responsibilities that come with having a superpower. I know, I know, I'm the first person to ever wrestle with this, amazing how powerful my brain is, etc etc. The question I often ask myself is: naturally I would love to see what the vibe is like up at the Kremlin, but would I try and rid Russia of Vladimir Putin? Would that ultimately create a power vacuum that would only make things worse? Would I be able to live with the consequences of my actions, especially knowing that I would never be able to tell anyone about them? That one's a very rich seam, and not one that's led to any definitive conclusions so far. In any case, I reckon I'd probably go to Moscow and figure it out once there. I'd munch on some pelmeni and drink some kvass, and some vodka, and try to decide whether the future of the western world should really be resting in my own dainty little hands.

# Due to being feral I've never been to one of those long, purposeless meetings people who work in offices keep talking about and I'd love to go to precisely one of them, one time. I don't think I've ever heard anyone genuinely talk about KPIs or deliverables or what have you and I think I'd find it briefly thrilling to witness it in action. No-one in my life has ever circled back. I don't think I've ever seen a PowerPoint presentation in an office meeting. I feel a tiny, tiny bit left out.

…Okay I think that's it. I mean I could realistically keep going for another 2,000 words as this is something I've spent a lot of time thinking about, as you can tell, but this feels like a representative sample. Surely by now you agree with me: I'm not a pervert. Wanting to be invisible does not automatically mean that you want to do and see perverted things. It can just mean that you're curious and full of childlike wonder for the world. It's a fine and normal and good superpower to want to have.

I mean obviously I would also use it for crime purposes. I would commit so many crimes, oh my god. I'd spend my entire time nicking stuff, taking flights for free, staying in posh hotels for free, going to the cinema for free. I'd tickle JD Vance every time he goes on stage to give a speech. I'd step on Viktor Orban's foot several times a day, every day, for at least a week. I would never buy an item of clothing ever again. I'd jump over every tube barrier. I would be so rich, as a direct result of committing endless invisible crimes. Oh and yeah, fine. I probably would watch Kieran Culkin sleep. Just the one time. I think I'd find it profoundly soothing. I wouldn't touch him or anything. I'd just like to watch him sleep, for like an hour or two. Does that make me a pervert? Does it really?

Don't answer that.