distractions! at! all! costs!

Behold! I have had a thought.

Hello!

Hi! Everything is awful. Maybe I’ll write about it at some point but I don’t think I have it in me right now. I also think that maybe we all deserve a little break from everything being awful! All I’ve done over the past few days is doomscroll.

Well, that’s not entirely true. Back before the election, when things were merely Very Stressful instead of Horrifyingly Bleak, I wrote a bunch of mad things to distract myself. One of them was written on the train to DC on Sunday, and the other while sitting in my friend’s flat on Tuesday evening.

Because I am a fair and fine woman I have made one list free to all and another reserved for paying subscribers. This, to me, seems reasonable.

I hope you enjoy my mad things! I am going to get back to doomscrolling now. Bye.

Unhinged list (1)

Every thought I had while watching Dune (1984) for the first time:

oh noPaul Atreides looks too wholesome, like a little baby boy

why is Caladan a bit…..Canadian coded 

my Bene Gesserit :( why are they not hot in this one :( bring back my terrifying sexy women :(

so sorry but Duncan Idaho looks like a sex criminal

Paul Atreides please cut your hair, stop looking like Diana Paul Atreides

holy macaroni this Leto is a step down from Oscar Isaac

feel like people on Caladan should eat pierogis, strike me as a sour cream based place

“No man has ever been tested with the box”, teeheehee

lot of Acting in this, huh

David Lynch looooves an internal monologue, everyone out here endlessly monologuing 

alright Jessica is reasonably cunty in this, but again, no Rebecca Ferguson (who is my wife)

do…..do I want to know why the spice melange makes your eyebrows go wild, will this be in any way addressed

did Denis Healey drink the spice melange 

Duke Harkonnen……could do with some nightly retinol

well Feyd Rautha certainly is wearing a codpiece

seriously though do they not have niacinamide on Giedi Prime

I will not lie, I would enjoy having Baron Harkonnen’s floating suit, I could imagine it coming in handy in many situations 

made the Harkonnens real horny in this one, didn't they, proper freaks out there on Giedi Prime

do not like the weird beast with the magical ominous vag, I'll tell you that much, thank you Denis for not bringing the foul beast back 

uuuuurgh they made Duncan Idaho look so noncey

oh now the Atreidises, father and son, are Wearing Codpieces, sure cool, not weird or distracting or in any way silly

the Fremen suits make them look like they're going scuba-diving, but kinkily

not in an especially good way

jeeesus christ, so much internal monologuing, just speak to each other

a good Dune drinking game would be to sip continuously while someone is internal monologuing, you may die but it would be one way to get through it

this is the longest movie I have ever watched, it's only been an hour and yet it has been years, David Lynch baby why no rhythm, why no flow (like the SPICE flows, get it, get it David)

apparently the exact hair colour of Feyd Rautha is “trying to bleach your darkish hair as a teenager but not realising you'll need toner afterwards”

this movie has single-handedly changed my mind re whether I would want to read people's minds as a superpower, turns out I hate it, please keep your secrets, characters in David Lynch's Dune, and also everyone else, it's none of my business 

Jared Leto Atreides, is that anything 

Jessica is so weak in this one! Girl you're a Bene Gesserit! Pull yourself together! Come on lass!

simply not scared of the worms in this one I'm afraid, my friends and I would have beaten David Lynch's worms with hammers, I'll tell you that 

“your water shall mingle with our water” teeheehee

I have been watching this for one hundred thousand years

I'm not entirely unattracted to Feyd Rautha and for this, for this? I resent myself 

hold on a fucking minute, why hasn't Tilda Swinton been made a Bene Gesserit yet, isn't that ideal casting, does anyone have her number, can we get Denis on the phone, there's still time

okay no I'm over Feyd Rautha already, I preferred it in the new movie when they made him, for some reason, sound quite Swedish, possibly due to the Swedish being evil

Paul Atreides! My little baby boy! He's copulating! Bad and wrong! He's so small and smooth!

very glad I'm already well acquainted with the various comings and goings on Arrakis etc because I don't think you'd be able to get the plot, if you were coming into this dry, fundamentally just a lot of Spice Chat and Worm Chat but all of it entirely disjointed 

you may argue that this is ironic as this fucking movie is actually taking place in Exposition Town, where every other line is Explaining Context, but we are where we are

“Bring in that floating fat man, the baron” is actually a great line, credit where credit’s due

I should be monetarily compensated for my time when watching a movie that doesn't have Florence Pugh in it 

oh I see White Boy Paul's got himself a little tan, welcome to space Sahara big man

the worms in this are soooooo gross omg, get them off my screen, I demand fewer worms in The Worms Movie

I do like the creepy little child though, it must be said, how can someone so small be so ominous 

you UNPLUG the Baron?? you remove the tubes from his NIPPLES? you let him FLOAT AWAY like a BIG BALLOON? jail for the creepy child! jail for one thousand years!!!

well that was definitely a movie that happened